(Widget farts, looks curiously at her rear end, and then glances quizzically at HerPerson, who’s murmuring in the most revolting babytalk. Totally off-putting.)
“Oooooh, it’s a puppyfart. Yes it is. It’s a little tiny puppyfart. What a clever little Widget you are.”
(Widget fidgets uncomfortably.)
Oh…My…doG! It is SOOOOO embarrassin’ when MyPerson starts in with the puppy talk.
What’s so freakin’ clever about passin’ gas, I’d like to know? Everydoggie does it. Even MyHumans do it. Fur instance, there are the ones She does first thing in the mornin’, fragrant fanfares of trumpets greetin’ the dawn. Lovely! And Mike’s are downright legendary. The Wrinkly does ‘em too, but they are mostly silent, so you can only tell when she tips sideways an’ that awesome bouquet comes waftin’ out as they are set free on the breeze.
Mine, on the other paw, are dainty little ladylike ones. Practically unscented. Hardly noticeable at all. A bit of a disappointment really, given the competition.
But I was just thinkin’, though…Why farts? What’s the point? They don’t last long enough to mark territory, and I never think to stink when I’m sniffin’ butts and takin’ names. What good are they? The humans don’t like ‘em and try to cover ‘em up with chemical sprays. Yeah, I know they feel good, but they really serve no earthly purpose.
Well, okay, maybe there is one monumentally stupid purpose…to help humans sell utterly ridiculous products, like the Fart Book or, OhMydoG! the DogoneThong. I mean, really! This is beyond embarrassin’! Fortunately for all dog-kind, this thong-thing has been discontinued and is no longer available. Fang doG!! The good news is, they make ‘em fur humans too. Hmmmm…I wonder if I can get one fur the Wrinkly…
A thong fur the Wrinkly. OhMydoG!! I don’t want that picture in my head. Get it out! Get it Out! Get it OUT!!! Aaaargh!!