WTF??? THE WALL’S ON FIRE!!

(Widget wanders out of the living room, ignoring HerPerson, who is doing something over by the wall. Meandering over to her foodage bowl Widget has a nice little nosh to fill up the gaps, before strolling back to see if HerPerson wants to play.)

Widget and the flaming wall.

Widget and the flaming wall.

WTF??? THE WALL’S ON FIRE!!

Holy crap, Mum! Get away! Get away!! The wall’s on fire!

Widget, dear, it’s just a fireplace, like the one in the family room.

Um…oh yeah. I knew that.

I was just putting some kindling on to help get the fire going. Now, just lie down and enjoy it, there’s a good little puppy-girl.

Yeah, right. Enjoy it. Sure. Whatever.

(sigh…)

I’m bored.

I’m really bored.

I’m really, Really, REALLY bor…HEY! Wait a minute!!! What’s that on the floor, right in front of the flamin’ wall?

It’s STICKS! MyHuman has left me some STICKS! Oh, FURRY cool! There’s big ones and little ones and all difference sizes and flavours! There’s hard ones and soft ones and long ones and short ones and they’re all MINE!

I need to guard these sticks. It’s a moral imperative. These sticks are probably the furry last sticks in the whole world. And they’re Mine! I need to hide ‘em here under the cushions to keep ‘em safe.

Widget turns a piece of kindling into a pile of sawdust.

Widget turns a piece of kindling into a pile of sawdust.

I hafta chew on ‘em so everydoggie nose they are MY sticks. I’ll just lie here and mark ‘em all, startin’ with THAT one!!

(Silence ensues, broken only by the gentle sounds of gnawing and the occasional crack of splintered kindling.)

What the….? Wait! Where did it go? It disappeared. Nothin’ here but a stupid pile of sawdust. I hafta chew another one before they all evaporate.

(Twenty minutes later…)

Widget, get off the couch. What is this pile of sawdust?

Haven’t a clue. Who cares, anyway? I want a rawhide.

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Dog Farts – What Good Are They, Really?

Widget investigates the sounds emanating from her nether regions.

Widget investigates the sounds emanating from her nether regions.

(Widget farts, looks curiously at her rear end, and then glances quizzically at HerPerson, who’s murmuring in the most revolting babytalk.  Totally off-putting.)

“Oooooh, it’s a puppyfart.  Yes it is.  It’s a little tiny puppyfart. What a clever little Widget you are.”

(Widget fidgets uncomfortably.)

Oh…My…doG!  It is SOOOOO embarrassin’ when MyPerson starts in with the puppy talk.

What’s so freakin’ clever about passin’ gas, I’d like to know?  Everydoggie does it.  Even MyHumans do it.  Fur instance, there are the ones She does first thing in the mornin’, fragrant fanfares of trumpets greetin’ the dawn.  Lovely!  And Mike’s are downright legendary.  The Wrinkly does ‘em too, but they are mostly silent, so you can only tell when she tips sideways an’ that awesome bouquet comes waftin’ out as they are set free on the breeze.

Mine, on the other paw, are dainty little ladylike ones.  Practically unscented.  Hardly noticeable at all.  A bit of a disappointment really, given the competition.

But I was just thinkin’, though…Why farts?  What’s the point?  They don’t last long enough to mark territory, and I never think to stink when I’m sniffin’ butts and takin’ names.  What good are they?  The humans don’t like ‘em and try to cover ‘em up with chemical sprays.  Yeah, I know they feel good, but they really serve no earthly purpose.

Well, okay, maybe there is one monumentally stupid purpose…to help humans sell utterly ridiculous products, like the Fart Book or, OhMydoG! the DogoneThong.  I mean, really!  This is beyond embarrassin’!  Fortunately for all dog-kind, this thong-thing has been discontinued and is no longer available.  Fang doG!!  The good news is, they make ‘em fur humans too.  Hmmmm…I wonder if I can get one fur the Wrinkly…

A thong fur the Wrinkly. OhMydoG!! I don’t want that picture in my head. Get it out! Get it Out! Get it OUT!!!  Aaaargh!!

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Widget Jones’ Diary – Introduction

pic of Widget Jones

Widget Jones’
Woofs of Wisdom

You’re invited to enter the twisted mind of curious canine Widget Jones, whose opinions on her world and her people may surprise you, but will always entertain.  Nothing’s off limits…food, mud, her humans or the purpose of farts.  Twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays, Widget woofs about anything that interests her, and if, during her investigations, she comes across something she thinks will appeal to her readers, she’ll share it with you.
Over to you, Widget…

Um…well, that was MyPerson.  I have never understood her…she can’t communicate at all.  Her nose doesn’t work, she pulls out her whiskers, she can’t move her ears, she doesn’t have a tail and she even pees in the Great White Water Bowl, furdoGsake!  She spends all her time barkin’ at me an’ takin’ care of the Wrinkly.  The Wrinkly is a furry old human who spills foodage an’ sometimes runs over my feet with her walker.  The other human in the den is Mike, who lets me Out when he wants a smoke.  He thinks dogs should live outside.  I think Mike should live outside.

I’m gonna talk about MY stuff.  Mine!  Everythin’ in the den is mine.  Everythin’ in MyOut is mine.  The couch, toys and humans are MINE.  The squirrels in MyOut are MINE, though the little buggers are really hard to catch.  All foodage is mine.  Well, maybe not kibbles.  Mike can have my kibbles.

I have my humans moderately well trained.  MyPerson is not bad, though she’s very stubborn about some things.  The Wrinkly is the most obedient of the lot.  I have her almost completely under my paw.  Fur instance, at suppertime every night she has ice cream, and all I have to do is give her BigSadPuppyEyes, an’ she’ll give me half.  It’s difficult though, beclaws MyPerson goes ballistic, ravin’ on about sugar, dairy, hotspots and overweight, so the Wrinkly and I have a tough time connectin’.  MyPerson’s even enlisted Mike to help stop us.  It’s a freakin’ conspiracy.

Mike is the hardest to train.  He likes to think he’s Alpha.  Hah!!  Fat chance.  His room is MINE.  And when he’s not lookin’, MyPerson will sometimes give me his plate to pre-rinse fur the dishwasher.  I like to shed on him, so all the other dogs nose he’s mine.

That’s my pack.  The four of us live in the Great White North, in the province of OnTerrier, in the country of Canadog.  It’s winter now, an’ there’s a lot of snow in MyOut.  It’s cold, but my humans are warm an’ good for snugglin’.  I knew they had to be good fur somethin’!

I have to go Out to pee now.  Brrr!!  I’ll see you on Thursday when we can talk about more stuff that’s mine.

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